Resilience - Coping with the Unexpected
The ability to switch our focus, to problem solve, and to seek support, three important strategies for bouncing back when things don’t go our way. My week started with a lesson in exactly this, reminding me of the importance of resilience in the face of the unexpected for us all. The water heater flooded my work room, leaving me with a soggy mess and wondering how to even start to clean it up. What was important to focus on, what problems did I have to solve and what help did I need?
The capacity to switch attention away from something frustrating, to not get bogged down in the anxiety or frustration of it all, is essential for clarity of thought and responding effectively to nasty surprises. Emotions are inevitably strong, after the initial shock has worn off, but it’s important not to get swamped by these. This can be very difficult to do as the source of frustration can be very compelling and we can find ourselves in a mental whirlwind of “what ifs’ and “why is this happening to me?”.
Remember the last time you had a heated disagreement that remained unresolved. How easy was it to turn your focus to something else immediately afterwards? Or did you replay the argument endlessly in your mind, becoming more and more heated as you did so? What about the victims of flooding (not just the water heater type), earthquakes, tornadoes or financial struggles? How easy is it not to get stuck in a sense of anger, despair and helplessness?
So how do we develop an ability to shift our attention from an emotionally compelling situation? In short, we need to notice what we’re feeling, accept it is natural and that there is a natural ebb and flow to feelings if we just let them be, not either denying them nor feeding them. Over time the experience of the natural ups and downs of feelings develop an awareness that even difficult feelings don’t last forever. The key phrase, however, is over time. It takes a lot of practice to be able to surf our feelings without either being drowned by them or avoiding the waves completely. The first leads to emotional overwhelm and a lack of self-confidence while the second leads to disconnection and a lack of a sense of vitality.
Some people react more intensely to unpleasant experiences. Both genetic make-up and life experience contribute to this. Extra effort may be required to learn to surf the emotional ups and downs for those that feel things very strongly but the end result is worth the effort - self-confidence, a sense of vitality and connection. In short, we feel more alive.
The second strategy that can help us bounce back is problem solving. What are the priorities, what do we need to do and how? This is hard to do if we haven’t first cleared the emotional swamp. Our brains get flooded with feelings and this short circuits our thinking, planning and prioritising abilities. There’s something to be said for the old fashioned advice of “take a deep breath” (or perhaps 20!) Then get on with planning and taking action.
Seeking help is the third strategy required when things go pear shaped. For some this will seem obvious (in my case a plumber and a carpet cleaner have been mighty useful) but for many people there is a strong belief that they must cope on their own. While self reliance is admirable, we all need help in times of crisis. Sometimes this is emotional, at other times practical.
But the capacity to bounce back in the face of frustrating or difficult circumstances does not just rely on strategies. To use a building analogy, strategies are like the hammer, nails and screwdriver. These tools are only as useful as the knowledge, experience and skill of the builder. Or, in the case of building resilience, the reflectiveness, sense of agency, and ability to relate that a person has developed through years of experience (and sometimes therapy).
Reflectiveness is the ability to look within ourselves and notice the links between how we are thinking and feeling and what we do. Being able to reflect on our own thoughts and feelings allows us to make more considered decisions. Effective communication also requires the capacity to reflect. Unless we keep in mind the other person’s point of view (thoughts, feelings and motivations) we end up talking at people rather than with them, with an end result of us not being listened to or taken seriously.
To allow this understanding of the link between mind and action to develop we need to be able to experience our feelings and our innermost thoughts (even the socially unacceptable ones) without either shutting them down or flooding our environment with them, a capacity that takes years to grow. Ask any 2 year old!
A sense of agency, the second important experience based capacity for the development of resilience, means knowing that what we do matters and that we can make decisions and act effectively on our own behalf. A sense of agency develops when we experience success from our efforts. Whether these efforts are communicating what we want or need, or whether they are about learning to do something for ourselves for the first time. From these experiences we develop, over time, a sense that what we do matters, has an impact.
Relatedness, the third important capacity, is the ability to value engagement and interaction with others and to form supportive connections. this provides us with a sense of connection and an inner sense of security that we don’t have to do everything ourselves, that there are other people we can rely on when needed. People who can access and make use of support from those around them tend to manage life’s challenges more effectively.
These are the strengths that allow us to adapt to challenges with flexibility. In practice, this is often less like the graceful bending of a tree in the wind and more like the whiplash of branches springing back into place. Resilience is about being able to respond to whatever life throws at us. It doesn’t, however, require us to do this with grace and dignity at all times. We are, after all, still all learning, no matter our age!
An update on the water heater situation - the new water heater has been installed, the carpet is drying (but possibly not salvageable), families I work with are having to wait until next week to see me, and I am at home waiting to be able to work again and writing this blog. Inspiration from frustration. Go figure!