Dealing with Change
Being confronted with change can be challenging, especially if it is prompted by circumstances beyond our control. It is normal to respond initially with a mix of shock and confusion followed by trying to make sense of the new reality we find ourselves in. This is often quickly followed by anger or other strong emotions, even shame, depending on the situation. We can find ourselves shifting between feeling optimistic and pessimistic about our change in circumstances. Ideally we can feel our feelings without completely shutting down or lashing out. Gradually these intense feelings ease, allowing us to focus on the here and now and to find positives in our new situation. Eventually we adapt to our new reality.
Easy, right? Like most things that sound easy in theory, there are lots of twists and turns when we try to adapt to change. Obviously, there are changes that are simple to adapt to or which are even really exciting. What these are will differ from person to person, but what I’m talking about are those changes that blindside us in some way. It may be losing your job, sudden financial difficulties, a relationship breaking up, a serious accident or illness, having your beliefs questioned by world events, or any other experience that results in a shift in how you experience the world, other people, and/or yourself. These experiences change us, whether we like it or not. They are all stressful experiences and often feel very out of our control. Managing the distress these situations cause is key to healthy adaption.
First it is useful to identify how we personally express our distress. Do we close down in some way or do we become reactive and angry? Do we panic that we con’t be able to cope or do we try to take control of everything? Or do we swing between these? Once we’re identified our “go to” responses, how can we moderate these responses, to create as little negative fall-out as possible from our reactions? If we close down, how can we open up, just a little, so we don’t shut others out and isolate ourselves? If we tend to lash out, how to we tone this down so we don’t end up hurting those around us or driving them away? If we tend to panic, how can we convince ourselves that we can manage more than we think we can? And if we have a tendency to become controlling, how can we trust others to handle some things too?
If we become more aware of our automatic responses to stressful experiences we are in a better position to moderate our responses and lessen the negative outcomes of our reactions. This means we can work through our reactions more quickly and adapt more smoothly to changing circumstances, further lessening our distress. It doesn’t mean it’s not messy at times but overall it does make dealing with change easier. Change for us all is inevitable. How we deal with it isn’t.