Building self confidence - teens
Drops in self confidence are experienced by a lot of teenagers. During the teenage years young people must contend with extensive peer and adult scrutiny at a time when they already feel both extremely self-conscious and uncertain of themselves. Peers will often comment on their clothes, how they walk, how they talk, and what their taste in music says about them. This is at a time when they are dependent on belonging to a group for protection against the pain of social rejection and humiliation.
At the same time, parents and teachers have equally strong and usually clashing views on all of the above, as well as how much homework they are doing, what time they are getting to bed, who they are hanging out with, how much screen time they have, and what their grades are like, to name just a few.
It’s little wonder, then, that teens can act like they’re under attack at times. While weathering all of these judgements they must somehow navigate their way towards an individual identity, sorting through all the feedback, solicited and otherwise, to work out who they are, what’s important to them, and how and with whom they would like to live their lives. It is essential, therefore, for teenagers to find a way to feel comfortable in their own skin, to have a sense of being okay how they are and that they can manage whatever comes their way.
Lack of self-confidence is a lack of belief in their own capability to manage the challenges they face. This can come from an internal self-doubt in their ability or from repeated experiences of criticism and put-downs. It can also come from overwhelming experiences like moving city or country and having to adapt to new expectations and make a whole new friend-group. Sometimes, however, it’s just a reaction to the ordinary adolescent experiences I talked about above.
It can show up as withdrawing from activities or relationships they used to enjoy, a reluctance to try new things or even difficulty beginning school assignments. Alternatively, low self-confidence can appear in the guise of negativity or argumentativeness which can hide a fear of failure or lack of acceptance. If your teen’s behaviour has suddenly changed it is worth considering whether they may have had a knock to their confidence.
Teenagers who are struggling with their self-confidence need someone to believe in them, to come alongside them and gradually introduce small challenges into their lives while providing them with a sense of being emotionally supported, of not being all alone with this. This shared emotional connection is key to supporting any young person to overcome their self-doubts and the associated fear of getting things wrong. It’s rather like loaning out your own emotion regulating capacities, like jumper leads, to ‘jump start’ the teenager’s own capacities. Once they are up and running, trying new challenges and exploring their world again, they can begin to ‘charge their own emotional battery’ though they’ll still need you alongside them from time to time.
14 year old Rachel (a fictional example) is worrying about having to do a speech in front of her class. She’s terrified of being laughed at and is starting to become quite distressed. Her Mum sits down with her and listens to Rachel’s concerns. She’s careful not to jump in too quickly with solutions instead spending time helping Rachel calm herself. She then helps Rachel break down the goal into manageable tasks, getting Rachel to report back to her after she has completed each task or if she comes up against a roadblock. In this way Rachel’s mum lends her daughter some of her own calming and coping capacities, until Rachel is in a space to take this over herself.
Teenagers need to know that who they are is a good thing to be. They need to know they can make mistakes and still be considered a good person by you. This provides a kind of inner safety net. It allows a young person to tolerate coming up against obstacles and the potential for failure, a constant threat during the teenage years. This tolerance is an essential basis for developing, or redeveloping, self-confidence during the teenage years.