What is emotion regulation?
What is emotion regulation? Often I have become so used to using certain terms that I assume the meaning of the term and never stop to clarify it. Emotional regulation is one such term. What I am referring to is the ability to recognise emotions within ourselves and adjust our responses to these according to the situation we are in and what is most helpful for us and those around us. It’s the ability to calm ourselves when we’re distressed or angry or highly excited. It’s the capacity to refocus when something, or more usually someone, has wound us up. Essentially it’s the ability to find a safe space within ourselves when circumstances threaten to overwhelm us.
Enrico Gnaulati, in his book, “Emotion-Regulating Play Therapy With ADHD Children” (2008), outlines six essential emotion regulation skills. These are:
(1) The ability to modulate the intensity of emotion in order to stay in relationship,
(2) Being able to maintain organised thought and behaviour even when highly distressed or excited,
(3) Being emotionally responsive as opposed to reactive,
(4) The ability to recover from strong emotional reactions,
(5) Ability to complete tasks without succumbing to frustration and discontinuing prematurely, and
(6) Being able to negotiate other people’s emotions without either withdrawing or becoming overwhelmed. (pp.2-4).
(Note. It’s not just kids with ADHD who have difficulty managing their emotions, this just happens to be a very good summary of emotion regulation skills.)
Modulation of intensity may include “down-regulation”, for example, softening of communication in order not to bowl someone else over with your intensity. Or it could be “up-regulating” in order to, for example, get your point across firmly or to show enthusiasm and support.
Maintenance of organised thought and behaviour when highly emotional can be very difficult. It requires “down-regulation” of strong feeling such as fear, envy, excitement, shame, or aggression in order to be able to continue thinking clearly and to remain in control of your behaviour.
Being emotionally responsive as opposed to emotionally reactive requires the ability to delay responding to emotionally charged situations.
Being able to recover from strong emotional reactions requires the ability to match the emotions felt and the intensity and duration of these to the situation. This requires a very high level of self-containment in often very difficult circumstances.
Working through frustration in order to complete tasks may require self-soothing behaviours such as humming or slow breathing, or silent positive self-talk, eg. “I can do it. I’ve done it before.” Children can be taught these skills but in my experience they first need a lot of adult input and encouragement before they can self-soothe independently.
Finally, negotiating other people’s emotions is about being able to share in other people’s emotional experience without getting lost in this or shutting it out completely. This requires a clear differentiation of self and other in order to be able to share another’s experience while remaining aware that it is their experience and not your own, in other words maintaining some sense of separateness. That is, these are your experiences, not mine.
How we learn to regulate our emotions
Our first experience of calming when distressed is usually as a baby when we are soothed by a caring parent. This first experience is often a physical one – being rocked, held, stroked…, and/ or an auditory one, hearing a calm, often ‘sing songy’ voice. Children who have not had these kinds of experiences often need to have similar kinds of experiences recreated for them at an older age. For example, swinging on a swing or in a hammock, listening to soothing music or someone singing a repetitive and rhythmic song.
What can get in the way?
There are many reasons why children may not have had these first kinds of experiences of calming. These include obvious ones such as orphanage care within which the children receive very little individual contact, or abusive early relationships such as are revealed on the news in horrifying detail from time to time, when the end results are catastrophic.
Less obvious examples are more frequent, however, and often more subtle. These may include children who have been through a difficult birth and are in pain or find physical comfort painful, children who have had multiple medical interventions and accordingly equate physical contact with pain, children who have an innate hypersensitivity to touch or noise, or who feel overwhelmed by other sensory experience and withdraw from this, or children whose families have significant stress on top of a new baby to deal with.
Temperament can play a large role as well. Some babies are naturally more reactive to environmental changes, both physical and emotional. These babies will require more soothing at the same time as being less easily soothed – a challenging combination!
Societal expectations on new parents and babies also play a part. The pressure to have a ‘good’ baby who conforms to adult expectations may influence how much soothing a baby receives.
And clearly, external forces such as earthquakes, war, and other disasters may alter both how much stress a baby picks up from their environment as well as the capacity of their parents to calm them.
It is not easy to help someone else, especially a young child who is very distressed, to calm themselves. It takes energy and confidence in your own calming ability.
Later, battle over control develops as a child begins to assert themselves (aka. the temper tantrums of a toddler). This leaves the child in a dilemma between complying in order to restore harmony within the relationship versus insisting on self-assertion/standing their ground. The emotions that arise from this conflict, including distress and rage (on both sides!), interfere with “the pleasurable sense of togetherness”. Anyone who has been on the other end of a toddler’s tantrum will know this is an understatement! Managing this stage in your child’s life requires a whole new set of skills. Some ways you can help your toddler at this time are to remember that this is a natural part of learning how to negotiate their own and others’ needs and wishes, be prepared to give your child a cuddle afterwards (the high level of distress involved with tantrums is often frightening for children), while maintaining a calm but firm line about your original expectation (“no, you can’t have an ice cream right now.”) This maintains the balance between you remaining in charge while still keeping in touch with your child’s perspective. From this your child gradually learns that a wobbly won’t force you to give in but if they do have a melt-down the world doesn’t end and you still love them. They will then be more open to being taught more appropriate ways for asking for what they want or need, an important first step in learning to be assertive.
How would I know if my child could have emotional regulation difficulties?
Does your child frequently melt down during situations where their peers seem to cope? (this doesn’t count if they’re a toddler!) Do they seem shut down or withdrawn? Are they frequently tearful? Are any changes in routine extremely difficult for your child? Do they insist on rigid routines and meltdown if these are not adhered to? (Also doesn’t count if they’re a toddler!)For school age children and above – can they mostly tell you when they’re unhappy? Does your school age child lash out verbally or physically on a daily basis?
(Disclaimer: ignore all of the above if your child is exhausted, sick or managing a temporarily difficult situation!)
What can be done about it?
Contact a child focused therapist to discuss your concerns and whether these may warrant an assessment.
Encourage your child to talk about their feelings.
Take a guess at what your child may be feeling – they will correct you if you’re wrong!
Remember – behaviour is communication, so what is your child’s behaviour communicating?
References
Gnaulati, Enrico. (2008) Emotion-Regulating Play therapy with ADHD children. Staying with Playing. Jason Aronson.
What is emotion regulation? Often I have become so used to using certain terms that I assume the meaning of the term and never stop to clarify it. Emotional regulation is one such term. What I am referring to is the ability to recognise emotions within ourselves and adjust our responses to these according to the situation we are in and what is most helpful for us and those around us. It’s the ability to calm ourselves when we’re distressed or angry or highly excited. It’s the capacity to refocus when something, or more usually someone, has wound us up. Essentially it’s the ability to find a safe space within ourselves when circumstances threaten to overwhelm us.
Enrico Gnaulati, in his book, “Emotion-Regulating Play Therapy With ADHD Children” (2008), outlines six essential emotion regulation skills. These are:
(1) The ability to modulate the intensity of emotion in order to stay in relationship,
(2) Being able to maintain organised thought and behaviour even when highly distressed or excited,
(3) Being emotionally responsive as opposed to reactive,
(4) The ability to recover from strong emotional reactions,
(5) Ability to complete tasks without succumbing to frustration and discontinuing prematurely, and
(6) Being able to negotiate other people’s emotions without either withdrawing or becoming overwhelmed. (pp.2-4).
(Note. It’s not just kids with ADHD who have difficulty managing their emotions, this just happens to be a very good summary of emotion regulation skills.)
Modulation of intensity may include “down-regulation”, for example, softening of communication in order not to bowl someone else over with your intensity. Or it could be “up-regulating” in order to, for example, get your point across firmly or to show enthusiasm and support.
Maintenance of organised thought and behaviour when highly emotional can be very difficult. It requires “down-regulation” of strong feeling such as fear, envy, excitement, shame, or aggression in order to be able to continue thinking clearly and to remain in control of your behaviour.
Being emotionally responsive as opposed to emotionally reactive requires the ability to delay responding to emotionally charged situations.
Being able to recover from strong emotional reactions requires the ability to match the emotions felt and the intensity and duration of these to the situation. This requires a very high level of self-containment in often very difficult circumstances.
Working through frustration in order to complete tasks may require self-soothing behaviours such as humming or slow breathing, or silent positive self-talk, eg. “I can do it. I’ve done it before.” Children can be taught these skills but in my experience they first need a lot of adult input and encouragement before they can self-soothe independently.
Finally, negotiating other people’s emotions is about being able to share in other people’s emotional experience without getting lost in this or shutting it out completely. This requires a clear differentiation of self and other in order to be able to share another’s experience while remaining aware that it is their experience and not your own, in other words maintaining some sense of separateness. That is, these are your experiences, not mine.
How we learn to regulate our emotions
Our first experience of calming when distressed is usually as a baby when we are soothed by a caring parent. This first experience is often a physical one – being rocked, held, stroked…, and/ or an auditory one, hearing a calm, often ‘sing songy’ voice. Children who have not had these kinds of experiences often need to have similar kinds of experiences recreated for them at an older age. For example, swinging on a swing or in a hammock, listening to soothing music or someone singing a repetitive and rhythmic song.
What can get in the way?
There are many reasons why children may not have had these first kinds of experiences of calming. These include obvious ones such as orphanage care within which the children receive very little individual contact, or abusive early relationships such as are revealed on the news in horrifying detail from time to time, when the end results are catastrophic.
Less obvious examples are more frequent, however, and often more subtle. These may include children who have been through a difficult birth and are in pain or find physical comfort painful, children who have had multiple medical interventions and accordingly equate physical contact with pain, children who have an innate hypersensitivity to touch or noise, or who feel overwhelmed by other sensory experience and withdraw from this, or children whose families have significant stress on top of a new baby to deal with.
Temperament can play a large role as well. Some babies are naturally more reactive to environmental changes, both physical and emotional. These babies will require more soothing at the same time as being less easily soothed – a challenging combination!
Societal expectations on new parents and babies also play a part. The pressure to have a ‘good’ baby who conforms to adult expectations may influence how much soothing a baby receives.
And clearly, external forces such as earthquakes, war, and other disasters may alter both how much stress a baby picks up from their environment as well as the capacity of their parents to calm them.
It is not easy to help someone else, especially a young child who is very distressed, to calm themselves. It takes energy and confidence in your own calming ability.
Later, battle over control develops as a child begins to assert themselves (aka. the temper tantrums of a toddler). This leaves the child in a dilemma between complying in order to restore harmony within the relationship versus insisting on self-assertion/standing their ground. The emotions that arise from this conflict, including distress and rage (on both sides!), interfere with “the pleasurable sense of togetherness”. Anyone who has been on the other end of a toddler’s tantrum will know this is an understatement! Managing this stage in your child’s life requires a whole new set of skills. Some ways you can help your toddler at this time are to remember that this is a natural part of learning how to negotiate their own and others’ needs and wishes, be prepared to give your child a cuddle afterwards (the high level of distress involved with tantrums is often frightening for children), while maintaining a calm but firm line about your original expectation (“no, you can’t have an ice cream right now.”) This maintains the balance between you remaining in charge while still keeping in touch with your child’s perspective. From this your child gradually learns that a wobbly won’t force you to give in but if they do have a melt-down the world doesn’t end and you still love them. They will then be more open to being taught more appropriate ways for asking for what they want or need, an important first step in learning to be assertive.
How would I know if my child could have emotional regulation difficulties?
Does your child frequently melt down during situations where their peers seem to cope? (this doesn’t count if they’re a toddler!) Do they seem shut down or withdrawn? Are they frequently tearful? Are any changes in routine extremely difficult for your child? Do they insist on rigid routines and meltdown if these are not adhered to? (Also doesn’t count if they’re a toddler!)For school age children and above – can they mostly tell you when they’re unhappy? Does your school age child lash out verbally or physically on a daily basis?
(Disclaimer: ignore all of the above if your child is exhausted, sick or managing a temporarily difficult situation!)
What can be done about it?
Contact a child focused therapist to discuss your concerns and whether these may warrant an assessment.
Encourage your child to talk about their feelings.
Take a guess at what your child may be feeling – they will correct you if you’re wrong!
Remember – behaviour is communication, so what is your child’s behaviour communicating?
References
Gnaulati, Enrico. (2008) Emotion-Regulating Play therapy with ADHD children. Staying with Playing. Jason Aronson.
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